Ever wondered what people really thought about you when they look at you ?
Ever wondered why you did certain things or hung out with certain people?
Ever wondered why everything that happens in your life happens?

I think about these stuff each night.
And it makes me suffer, because I can't sleep until I get the answer.

I was reading the book The Five People You'll Meet In Heaven, and it talked about a man, who died saving a young girl. He went to heaven, and met five people who had effected his life in some way, and these people explained to him everything that happened in his life, and explained why it happened. And after meeting each of these five people, he would learn a very valuable lesson.

I want to meet five people when I go to heaven.
I want to know why I'm friends with her, when I really don't want to be.
I want to know why I have this personality that I have, why I have to be so sensitive, and why I have to pay so much attention to detail.
I want to know why I have to be this person who constantly thinks...
And I want to know why I'm here in this world, and what was I meant to do?

LOL.

I hate how I'm always pondering about these stuff, because, they'll probably NEVER be answered. I hate how I pay attention to my flaws, and try SO hard to be perfect. I hate how I can be such a hypocrite sometimes, telling people the wisest things to do, when in reality, I am having problems finishing that task myself. I hate how I just hate myself sometimes, because in fact, I really do love myself, and I know I'm perfect the way I am, but I'm so self-conscious about what people think about me, I try to make everyone like me.


Worst of all, I hate how I'm always blaming myself.
Shouldn't I blame the world we live in?

If we lived in a world where looks don't matter, where what you do is your own choice, and no one really cares what you do, where people live in peace, accepting each person for who they are, then, I wouldn't worry about these stuff, right?

But we don't, we live in this corrupted, evil world, where every single day, you hear of a murder, a rape, a burglary or some type of crime being done shown on the news. We live in a world where material things make up who we are. We live in a world where money means everything, and without money, you're nothing. We live in a world where everyone has to live a greedy and selfish life to fit in society, otherwise, you'll live a not so satisfying life.

Sometimes, i want to choose that path, where I could just throw all the material things I have out the window, and give everything I have to the people without these stuff. But I don't think I have the will to do that, nor the power.


However, everything I do will effect someone, somehow. And by just effecting that person, I can change that person's life right?

To make this world a better place, I need to make myself a better person.
A selfless, less self-conscious, happier person. And by achieving this goal, I might be able to change other people, and changing people, one by one, some day, this world will be at peace. Even if it means, only my world. (:


-Signed
F0rgotten~Angel